For whose benefit, really?

Let me set the record straight: I do not believe altruism is a healthy way of life. I believe it leads to the development of immature human beings, parasitic second-handers, and dependence on producers, with little or no reward for ability. I despise the concepts of self-sacrifice, self-immolation, and self-death. Giving without expectation is one thing, and is acceptable (morally) in context. Giving but refusing return for your efforts is suicide.

So losing.fate played a benefit show last night. When we were approached about it, Chris & I instantly bristled. "You mean, pack up our stuff... show up... play our asses off... pay for our drinks... pack up again... and not get paid?" We were in a quandary, both being of a similar objectivist philosophy, and here's how we resolved it: exposure. We figured we were trading our time and energy for furtherance of the band name, for publicity. And another gig to slap on our press-kit. I don't know about Chris, but deep-down I even wondered if the publicity would be enough to justify giving all that's necessary for a kick-in-the-face rockshow.

I forgot one important factor... nay, the most important factor. How much fucking fun I have at shows. God, I missed that, and didn't even know it. Being onstage, sweating, singing, shrieking, slipping, jumping, engaging and energizing and flailing and generally letting everything out.

That was my reward last night: my self-satisfaction. Not the monetary benefit to a cancer patient, not the people who came, not the faces in the back of the bar, not the handshakes afterwards (or slaps on the ass during), not the "good show!"s, not the response. Not to be overly raw, but I have to compare it to getting off. Everything you do up until then may be for the sake of someone else, but at that moment - the climax - you are the entire universe and no one else is in the picture. It's all you, baby. (If you don't feel that way about orgasms, you're lying to yourself.) So I was, once again, justified in my endeavour. Surprisingly.

Although as a hindrance to my reward, I can barely move my head or neck. Ibuprofen isn't helping. Anyone trained in massage therapy out there that wants to donate their services to an ailing rockstar? Remember - I don't believe in altruism. So you'll get some sort of reward.