Thursday night I decided to leave. Friday morning I was still of the same mindset. Tabula rasa, Kerouac style. Just pack a few belongings, a few things to barter since I had no cash, my guitar. One tank of gas. No idea what would happen when I ran out of gas. I figured I'd head south, then west. Live on the road, by my wits and charisma and hope the Romani gods smiled upon me. It was either that or slit my wrists. I was in that kind of place, a dark place, an unglorified place.
I severed all relationships in one swift stroke, changing lives, hurting feelings, scaring people, inspiring others. Only my brother knew I was leaving, but word spread like it always does.
Thirty minutes into my new life and a semi-truck ran me off the road, slamming me into a snow bank and trapping me for an hour. My fingers were frozen by the time I dug myself out. Four hours stagnating on 81-S, stuck in unmoving traffic due to brutal winter conditions. The sun set, the temperature dropped, I had one headlight and a half-tank of gas, when I found myself re-routed through the backroads near Hazelton, far away from civilization.
I lost control on a backroad, crashed into an ice-bank and cracked my head against the window. Blackout. Ten to fifteen minutes later, headlights awaken me and I dig myself out, once again. I can't feel anything below my wrists or ankles. My head hurts. It occurs to me that I probably would've frozen to death if another car hadn't happened by.
My only contact within one gas-tank's reach bails on me. I have no goal. I find a small town and wrap myself up in a wool Army blanket and hope for the best. I wake up intermittently, every hour, then every thirty minutes, then I can't sleep. It's too cold for the car to pump heat while idling. I still can't feel my limbs, and my face is beginning to go numb.
I ask myself, "Why?" What was I missing? I had love, but without a family or home. I had a family of sorts, and a brotherly sort of love, with no home. I could make a home, but it would not include love or a family. Damned if I did, damned if I didn't. I could press on, but to where? For what purpose? What drove my wanderlust? What was its root, its origin?
The lack of everything I'd left behind. The very thing I longed for now, after years of idle debauchery and numbing the pain with distraction... the very hole I ached to fill with random fucks, drunken nights, dead-end relationships and crisis after crisis... It ate away to the point that I was simply a nub, a hollow stump. Traveling won't ease the wanderlust, I reckoned. I must find the need.
So I went home. I could've continued on, pressed on for the sake of pride and a great story, a book deal, a following, the respect of people who respect that sort of thing. But I didn't. I went home- truly home. The one I left behind. To my children, who missed their father. To my wife, who missed her husband. To my family, and my house, and...
Well... my life.
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6 comments:
You're always in my heart.
that's beautiful Jarad. i hope that you have found happiness.
I am so happy for you that you went home. I really truly mean that. One can't hope for any more than to see a great friend achieve happiness and truly find home. I can't say I hope it works out because I know it will. I know you Jarad, and I knew it would only be a matter of time before you found what your heart was truly desiring. I am sad to say that I fear I have lost your friendship. If that is so, I understand, you must do what you must do. I would not have hoped it would be that way, but God has a plan and if it includes your cutting me out of your life for the sake of your family I cannot ask you to step out of His will again. No matter where my life leads I will remember the closeness we had and I will think of you often. If anything, you can be an example for me; maybe someday I will find my Damascus Road. I pray for it often, in fact. I guess I just wanted you to know how I felt despite the fact that you refuse to talk to me. As Sandi said, you are always in my heart and I thank God that He got to you...now just remember and pray for your Cali friend if you think of me from time to time, and God bless you for being a real man, a true father, and for realizing what matters. I have so much respect for you, because you always do what your heart tells you. I hope your theory on love has changed, as I think that may have been a debaucherous theory used much in the same way atheists and other questioning souls use evolution. I will miss your friendship but you cannot imagine how happy I am to hear that you are back "home". I'll miss you.
I am very happy you are alive, safe, and home. (Yes, you did freak me out). Love ya, Jarad.
i hope this is whats best for you and that your not making your choices souly based on what you believe to be a good decision. every now and then you have to consider what it does to the other people involved
I know this is a few months late, but I just ran across this.
I'm VERY happy for you...I think I've always known deep down that this was the right thing!! Congrats.
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